


The Dirty Bird: The Five Times Chocobos Ruined Kain's Day and the One Time They Didn't

by Longpig



Category: Final Fantasy IV
Genre: Angry Birds, Animals, Chocobos, Gen, Lists, Restaurants, Shorts, Yuletide Madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 19:54:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9008803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longpig/pseuds/Longpig
Summary: Chocobos are not a Dragoon's best friend.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [taichara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/taichara/gifts).



Kain had no idea how the blasted bird had gotten into the dragoon barracks, and even less idea how he was going to get it out. It had already raided the rations, made a mess of the … well, mess; and now it seemed to be trying to build a nest in his bunk. If it hadn’t come from the King’s own stable, he’d have skewered it by now. There was a reason people talked about difficult tasks being “like herding chocobos.”

 

*

 

“What a noble creature,” Rosa murmured softly, stroking the white chocobo’s feathery crest. “Thank you for sharing your gifts with us.” Kain grimaced, and gritted his teeth as he attempted to scrape one of those ‘gifts’ off his boot.

 

*

 

It had been Cecil’s idea to camp out in the Chocobo Forest. “Monsters never go there! It’s totally safe!” With three of the glassy-eyed birds staring down at him menacingly as he tried to sleep, Kain was inclined to disagree.

 

*

 

“Smells like Chocobo!” Rydia chirped brightly, waving a carrot around the stinking clearing. The stench only intensified as the grotesquely overweight bird lumbered out of the woods. 

 

“We found you a truly wondrous spear, while you were… away, my friend,” Cecil was saying. Kain could only watch in horror as the misshapen chocobo began to retch, its feathered rolls heaving, until it finally disgorged the weapon in question, along with with a noxious stew of half-digested vegetable matter. Oblivious to the obscenity of it all, Cecil plucked the spear from the mess and offered it to him, still dripping.

 

“Uh...thanks,” Kain managed.

 

*

 

Kain dragged himself, dripping and panting, out of the freezing cold water, and hurled his pack on the rocky shore in frustration. He’d only barely avoided drowning, and it would take hours for all his armour to dry properly. He’d be damned lucky if it didn’t rust.

 

“You’re supposed to fly across the river, you idiot bird, FLY!” 

 

“Wark!” it squawked, flapping happily in its bath.

 

*

 

Some thought that starting up a restaurant was a strange choice of retirement plan for a dragoon, but Kain was quite content. As he made his final checks before opening the doors, he noted with satisfaction that a line was already starting to form outside.

 

Tuesday was All-You-Can-Eat Wing night.

**Author's Note:**

> Wark wark motherkwekers.


End file.
